Little Lies…

My life is made up of little lies.

That statement, taken out of context, stirs up a lot of bad thoughts!  Truth is, for a caregiver taking care of someone with dementia, it is a must.

Telling lies comes up often on the caregiver forums.  Some people really struggle with telling lies and there have been long discussions about it.  Those that have issue with it usually base their complaint on their religious or moral beliefs.  I was raised that way and empathize with their discomfort but I believe that God gives us leeway in this situation.  J

I’m not talking about life changing lies.  I’m talking about the little things that are more like playing make believe.  Yesterday, for instance, Mom suddenly asked me, “Where’s the cat?”  I quickly responded, “Downstairs.”  We don’t actually have a cat but if I had mentioned that, it could have set off an unnecessary argument.  Instead, my response was accepted as fact and calmness prevailed.

Quite often the lies follow the same form.  Since our cat went to live with our daughter 14 years ago and our dog died at the age of 17, we have not had a pet in the house.  It is not unusual, however, for Mom to ask about the dog(s) or the cat and I’m always ready with a “downstairs” or “outside” response.

Sometimes the lies are just a lack of correction.  I’m used to hearing Mom talk about having seven children although she only had five.  Five children plus Mom and Daddy equals seven so it’s easy to see the origin of that.  The other day she added a new twist – she told me she had three husbands in her life.  Hmmm… that was a new one.  I just responded with a “Really?”  I’m sure Daddy would understand my lack of correction on that one because it avoided the argument!

Mom and her 5 children - only we're not children any more!

Another recurring lie involves her Depends.  Just this morning when it was time for a new Depends, she balked a bit and said, “I just did that!”  I reminded her that we changed them yesterday and we do that once a day to which she asked, “Do I pay for those?”  My lie in this case is a little bigger.  I told her, “I take them downstairs and soak them and then wash them.”  Hmmm – don’t want to think about that but it appeases her.

I’m sure some caregivers have to tell bigger lies than I do.  When it keeps the peace and makes life calm for both the caregiver and their loved one, I think it is worth it.