Saturday, May 28, 2011

Maybe I’m the problem…

Shortly after Mom was born, her mother died.  My grandpa suddenly had four children to support and care for, one of them an infant, with no mother to help.
When Mom was 11 months old, a wonderful but childless couple wanted to adopt Mom.  My grandpa allowed them to adopt Mom and for the first few years, he and Mom’s siblings would visit on a regular basis.  During Mom’s toddler years, her new mother found that after the visits, it took several days to get Mom back to normal behavior so she explained that to my grandpa and asked if he would mind staying away.  Grandpa understood and stayed away but stayed in touch with Mom’s new parents.  During Mom’s teen years she met my grandpa and her siblings and consequently I grew up with three wonderful grandpas (one paternal, two maternal) and one wonderful grandma on Daddy’s side because my new grandma, whom I share a middle name with, passed before I was born.
I’m beginning to think that Mom’s behavior might be much the same as then.  When I’m not around, she is all smiles for the caregivers in her new home.  There has been some expected resistance to help bathing but nothing drastic and she soon goes along amicably.  She never mentions me or my husband to the caregivers.
When family members have visited, she evidently has visited without distress or asking them to take her home.
Then I walk in.  Mom immediately lets me know she’s ready to go home.  As soon as I say that she is in her new home, the behavior starts.  She goes to her chair and whines and cries (fake).  She keeps that up until I look at her and say, “Mom, that doesn’t work for me so you might as well stop.”  Just like that she turns off the fake crying and gets angry with me.  Then it’s the “Lalalalalala…” indicating that she doesn’t want to hear what I am saying.
That was the scenario on my second visit.  When my husband arrived, she immediately said, “Well, you’re going to take me home, right?”  Then he joined me in the hot water.  J  Shortly after he arrived, the Life Enrichment Coordinator arrived and teased Mom out of her pout by mimicking the look on her face.  Mom was all smiles for her.
I discussed the whole situation at the Alzheimer’s Support Group.  Given Mom’s stormy behavior as a little girl and with my husband and me now, and her good behavior with her caregivers and the family members who visit, the unanimous response was that I should stay away long enough for her to forget. 
It makes sense.  When we moved her to our home, my brother stayed away.  Although she had lived with him for 24 years, the next time she saw him, she didn’t have an expectation of going home with him.
So, for now, I will keep in close touch with her new caregivers and hope that my many family members will visit her.  I know visits aren’t easy because she is in the later stages of Alzheimer’s and communication isn’t easy.  At this point in time though she does still recognize some faces and seeing her face light up can hopefully make it worth the effort.

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