I lost my jolly…

I knew it was time to make a change.  I lost my jolly. 

I’ve been known for years for my laugh.  The people at work always knew when I was around because of it.  It’s not that I’m a loud talker like my husband.  His voice booms even though he is talking in a normal voice.  My children take after him.  I, on the other hand, was never a big talker but I’ve always been one to laugh.  It’s sooo good for the soul!

Over the last couple months I realize I haven’t been laughing.  Oh, here and there maybe, but not like I used to.  I think it finally took its toll when I was no longer getting enough rest.  Mom’s sleeping/waking has been an issue for quite some time.  Remedies would work well for a time – changing her bedside lamp to a nightlight bulb, putting a timer on her main lamp, giving her bright light during the day, limiting the amount of time she naps during the day, etc. – but they didn’t last so we were always looking for the next remedy.

So, no laugh plus no rest adds up to exhaustion and finally sick.  But a sick caregiver has no impact on the dementia brain.  Mom has been waking up at all different times and getting dressed.  4:30 and 5:00 am made 6:00 am look good.  Then we were hit with 3:30 am!

My husband and I have never been known to stay up late.  We are typically in bed between 10:00 and 10:30 pm.  I have, over the years, suffered from insomnia and that is very tiring but I now believe that it was far easier to deal with than Mom.  Insomnia is my body deciding what it wants to do and I have tricks that I learned to use to deal with it.  On the other hand, the interruptions caused by Mom are totally separate from what my body is doing.  I can be happily, soundly sleeping and suddenly jolted awake by an outside disruption.  I find that far more tiring than bouts of insomnia – even when the insomnia has limited my sleep to a couple hours.

Today I am looking forward to tomorrow when we will get Mom settled in her new place.  She will be able to get up and wander without disturbing anyone and yet be safe.

Tomorrow I will look forward to learning how to sleep again.  To stop my mind from listening, even in sleep, for a sound indicating that something is wrong.  It may take days or even weeks but eventually I will be sleeping soundly.

And I will find my jolly again… J