Just Agree!

On a daily basis, it’s easy to realize Mom’s loss of connection to reality.  When dealing with someone with dementia, it is important to understand this symptom and learn to avoid tantrums by agreeing or being non-committal.  The last thing you want to do is bring them back to reality or the present.

Quite often, Mom’s comments just bring a smile to my face.  This past summer, she would talk about the flowers that she planted for the man next door and their agreement that he would take care of them.  When the outdoor Christmas decorations began popping up, it was funny to listen to her explain that she had given everyone those decorations and that she was enjoying watching how they used them.  She’s even commented several times about how she “owns” all the land and homes around ours and she lets our neighbors use them.

We’ve had great chuckles out of Mom’s comments to people when she decides that she “knew” them when she was young.  She told our server at Max & Erma’s once that they had gone to school together.  Our server, an absolutely wonderful woman, responded positively to Mom and then quietly told us, “I better check my birth certificate!” 

Then there are the times when she talks about when she was a teacher or that she drove a car all of her life – neither of which she did.  Daddy was a teacher for 35 years while Mom was a wonderful stay at home mom.  Daddy did all the driving because Mom never had a driver’s license.  She tried driving a tractor once and although she didn’t hit the tree, she got so close that they couldn’t manually crank it to get it started – that’s the way cars were when she was young!  After that incident, she decided to never try again.

Just today, Mom was at my oldest daughter’s home.  The neighbor had some of those blow up Christmas decorations but at the moment they were deflated and lying on the ground.  Mom was concerned about the “children lying on the cold ground”.

Sometimes, whether it be my mood or the situation or the topic, I struggle to remember how I should respond.  I feel compelled to speak the truth about the situation.  I’ve had to do it a few times for safety purposes but sometimes it seems I just can’t keep my mouth shut!  Usually when Mom talks about “the man on the phone” I just give her an “uh huh” or “hmmm” response.  A few times when that response didn’t appease her and she kept coming after me about, for example, the snow on the top of the trailer, I have told her that we have no phone and that no one has spoken to her on the phone.

The good news?  When I screw up and cause Mom to get agitated, I learn my lesson again!