99 Years… and Pennies from Heaven

Mom turned 99 early in the month.
  
I can’t help but think that Daddy has to be wondering when her journey here with us will be complete and she can join him.
  
I know I wonder at times what more I should be learning from her at this point.  There has to be something her presence here is meant to accomplish so I’m always thinking about her life’s twists and turns – or more appropriately now, her falls and bounces - and what I can learn from them.

A party to celebrate was planned for a week later so my husband and I went to visit her on her birthday.  I got out of the car and started walking toward the door when I saw a penny on the ground.  My immediate thought was that Daddy wanted me to give Mom a hug for her birthday on his behalf.

Call me crazy but pennies have a deep meaning for me from my childhood and Daddy has always been a part of that.  He taught me to save my pennies.  I had a little iron bank shaped like a house to put them in and every so often, Daddy would take me to the bank to put them in my savings.  In the years since his death, I can’t tell you the number of times they have appeared on the ground when something was weighing heavy on my mind.

Back in 2010, Daddy appeared to me in a dream very briefly.  He was there just long enough to say Mom couldn’t be left alone anymore.  I thought and thought about that and what we should do about it.  Shortly after, I was driving to the store and made the decision to talk to my husband about leaving my job to take care of Mom.  When I got out of my car, I didn’t take more than a few steps when I saw a huge bunch of pennies on the ground in front of me!  Okay Daddy!  I hear you!

Although he’s on my mind often, I haven’t dreamed of Daddy since that dream in 2010.  There are times when I begin to think that he’s spending all of his time watching over Mom because I go through long stretches of no pennies.  Then all of a sudden there will be a penny on the ground in front of me, calling my name.

Mom enjoyed her birthday party.  We don’t get a huge crowd for it – our family is truly huge – but those that aren’t busy with sports will usually come by.  Enough of them drop by that Mom seems to understand her family is around her.

Mom and Hurricane together again.  She sat beside her cake for a long time before reaching out her finger and getting a scoop of icing.  She must have liked it because she ate a piece and some ice cream then we looked back again and she had pulled another piece over and eaten half of it!

After the party, she said something to me that I hadn’t heard in a long time.  She asked if she was going home with me.  She seemed to want to go.  I assured her she was home but inside I was struggling.
  
As we’ve come closer to the time that we will need to help pay for her care, I’ve thought often about whether or not I could bring her back to live with me.  She’s calmer now and sleeps a lot so seems easy enough, right?

Nope.  Mom needs more physical help now such as transferring from wheelchair to toilet, or bed to wheelchair, etc.  I used to be able to do that but after hurting my back and shoulder last fall, I know I can no longer move her around.

I think God keeps reminding me that it’s not a good idea.  Just when my shoulder starts to feel good, the weather will change or I’ll make a quick movement that sets it to aching. Or I'll hear from the home that Mom was up all night.  Since Daddy hasn’t stepped in to say anything to me about it, I’m thinking he agrees she’s fine where she is.

The lessons we learn…

Many of us probably remember saying things such as, “When I’m a parent, I’m going to do things different than my parents did.”  It’s not an unusual thing for a young person to think when they are upset about being disciplined or being told no when they want to do something.

In my case, I really can’t remember feeling that way.  As a matter of fact, I raised my children the same way I was raised and as grandparents, my mom and dad treated their grandchildren the same way they treated their children.  I really appreciated that when they were taking care of my children when I was working.

As the years went by, I continued to learn from my parents. I learned about loving and caring – something that seems so easy but really must be learned because as children we are very self-centered. I learned about handling money, making decisions, raising and disciplining children, having a good work ethic and so much more. I made mistakes, of course, and continue to but I also was taught to learn from my mistakes – life lessons, I like to call them.

Mom is soon to be 99 years old and she is still teaching me. No, she isn’t who she used to be. I can’t go to her and ask her how to make a pattern fit me properly or how to knit or crochet. That information is all lost now. There are still lessons to be learned though.

I watched indirectly as Daddy went down the path of Alzheimer’s. I’ve been watching Mom journey through dementia. I’ve also watched from afar as my former mother-in-law has dealt, for over 14 years, with the aftermath of a traumatic bleed in her brain. I’ve watched as my husband’s parents have aged.

When Daddy died both he and Mom were 71 years old and Mom was relieved he was somewhere better and no longer experiencing the Alzheimer’s. Although she was ready to join him whenever God was ready, she continued her life and kept busy for many years before dementia set in. Her journey continues with no end in sight but thankfully, she has made it to the point where she is content and happy to just sit and snooze or watch what is happening around her and sometimes comment on it. She still laughs quite a bit.

My former mother-in-law has a different story because at the age of 48, she lost the love of her life, my father-in-law, when he was just 51. The loss was totally unexpected and she still had three of their ten children at home. She managed to continue but once the children were grown, was ready for God to take her. Fast forward to a fateful day that might have been her last but for a friend taking her to the hospital. Suddenly a creative advertising and marketing person had no words with which to communicate and didn’t recognize her own family. It took years to overcome some of it but not all came back and she has been mostly bedridden for over 10 years. Each morning she shakes her fist at the crucifix because she doesn’t know why God is keeping her here.

My husband’s parents also have a different story. My mother-in-law worked for a surgeon for many years and it was a very good thing! She made sure I was taken care of when, shortly after marrying her son, I suffered three consecutive bouts of flu and my immune system was shot. If it wasn’t for her, my oldest daughter’s emergency appendectomy may have turned into a nightmare because it was a Sunday evening and the ER staff didn’t want to call in a surgical team. Mom (my mother-in-law) called her boss, who happened to be the Chief of Surgery, and within a half hour, he was at the hospital operating on our daughter. We have more stories like those and we certainly appreciate her role in them!

Maybe because she spent so many years in the medical field, Mom and Dad (my in-laws that is), in comparison to my own mom or my former mother-in-law, are very dependent upon doctors. Dad has dealt with cancer and heart issues over the years and Mom has had lymphedema for longer than I have known her. As they have aged, the issues have compounded and there have been times when we weren’t sure what the outcome would be.

So, as I watch how four very different people in my life are handling the winter of their lives, I am still learning. I am formulating opinions about how I want my care handled when and if I reach that stage and how I feel about the end of life.

For now, I’m content to leave it all in God’s hands. I’m sure the plan is in place – we just don’t know what it is.

The little surprises…

I’ve been sick.  For over two weeks now I’ve been stuck at home.  It was nothing horrible like the flu but a sinus infection that decided to take my asthma out to play.  That means no visits to Mom for that time also.

This morning I was finally able to visit.  Mom was sleeping soundly in her wheelchair when I arrived, holding her baby doll on her lap.  I gently checked her over, inspecting her hands, her ankles, and rubbing her back so that she would slowly wake up.

When she awoke, she looked at me with that little look that says hello, whoever you are.  She asked me about the baby seemingly thinking I was there to see it.  When I let her know I was there to see her, she shrugged and started telling me about the baby.

She started removing the baby doll’s pajamas so I got out some clothes and helped her put the clothes on the baby.  As we worked, I talked a bit and called her Mom.  Her response?  “Well, I don’t know about that.”  :)

Our visit continued with Mom dozing off and on.  At one point she awoke and I took the opportunity to show her the pictures that I always go through of Grandpa and Grandma and so on.  She knew them right away as she quite often does but today she surprised me!  When I brought up the picture of her aunts, she immediately pointed to each one and said, “That’s Aunt Sattie and Aunt Emma and that's me.”  Wow!  That hasn’t happened in a very long time!

I continued through the pictures and she pointed here and there at herself as a small child.  I couldn’t tell if she recognized herself as a teenager or in her wedding picture.  When I got to the last, the one of our family when I was little, I pointed and said the name of each family member and she just smiled and nodded.  I couldn’t tell if it was registering or not.

A short while later it was time to take her into lunch.  Once there, she was trying to look back at me to see who had wheeled her in so I got down where she could see me and she smiled and said, “Oh, you’re mine.”

The mom I knew for so much of my life has been gone a long time and I miss her terribly but it’s those brief moments and little surprises that grab my heart.

27 years ago a journey ended…

It was 27 years ago today that Mom’s journey with Daddy, their life together, ended.  The “till death do us part” became all too real.  They had lived through so many things together.  Their teen years with school and church activities, their marriage and moving away from family for Daddy’s job, the separation of World War II, settling back home again to raise their five children on a small farm and so much more.

The majority of their life together held much of the “in health” portion of their marriage vows.  There was very little of the “in sickness” part.  Mom had an ovarian tumor that, once removed, led to our family of five children, but otherwise there were just little backaches here and allergies there.  Daddy never missed work other than a short fight with an unfriendly kidney stone.  Sad to say but I think I brought more doctor visits into their lives with my once a year bouts of bronchitis than they ever had to deal with themselves.

That all changed when Alzheimer’s slowly drew them deep into the “in sickness” part.  When Daddy first retired, he was forgetting things but he was still himself.  His quiet, deep love for his God, his family, his friends and his life was still evident. 

They took time to travel – helping move my little family to Montana and get us settled, visiting the next year with my sister and her children, moving my little family back home, camping their way through Canada, and flying to England for the birth of a granddaughter. 

Being at home during that time meant taking care of grandchildren.  Most days they had at least six or eight and sometimes all of them.  I know they had my two and my sister’s four all the time.  There was none of the “spoiling” going on!  I went to work knowing that my children would have the same upbringing I did.  They played all day on the farm but had to behave properly.  They were disciplined but definitely loved.

Five of the six grandchildren that spent the most time with Mom and Daddy.  My two on each end and three of my sister's in the middle.

As time went on, the grandchildren grew and went off to school and no longer needed Grandma and Grandpa on a daily basis.  Daddy’s Alzheimer’s progressed but Mom, learning as she went, dealt with the changes.  Nine years after he retired the life changing moment came.  In the time it took to give Daddy a sedative he went from a physically healthy 69 year old who could still run and jump fences to a man who could no longer walk.

Mom had seen Daddy through so much of the decline but I think God knew that Mom would not be able, physically, to handle the next stages if Daddy’s mobility continued.  So, in that brief moment, He made sure that Mom would be able to see Daddy through the remainder of their lives together.

Daddy went into the nursing home and Mom was with him every day from breakfast to dinner for two years.  She saw that he was fed and cared for and, even when he didn’t know her, her love for him continued.  She truly exemplified the meaning of “in sickness and in health” and “till death do us part”.

Mom has been 27 years without Daddy now.  As her journey through dementia continues, the memory of Daddy is fading.  There are few days now when Mom recognizes his picture.  Despite that, I have full faith that when God is ready to take Mom home, Daddy will be waiting for her and there will be much singing in heaven for their reunion.

That's Grandma, That's Mom...

I arrived yesterday and Mom was sitting in her wheelchair, holding her baby and looking quite perky!  She asked who I was and I told her I am her daughter, Jeannie, to which she replied, "Oh really?" with a big smile.

Since she was in her wheelchair already, we cruised around the halls a few times and she watched as I took down her old torn shower curtain and replaced it with a new pretty curtain with blue flowers.  Once I had it hanging, she declared it "pretty" and we continued our cruising.

We settled after a bit and she told me that "she" would be by.  I thought she was talking about my sister so I pulled out my tablet to show her a picture.  I pointed out my sister, Pat (to the right of Mom below) and Mom told me yes, that was her. 

I continued to go through the family pictures, something I do quite often. This time she identified some, commented on others and a few times I had to keep from laughing.  :)

As almost always, when she saw the photo above, she immediately said, "That's Daddy." The next photo followed and she said, "That's Momma."

The next photo is always the picture below of Mom with her Daddy and Momma. Sometimes she's unsure when she sees it but typically she knows it is the three of them. It was one of those days when she knew.

The next photo sometimes stumps her but this time she immediately said, "That's Grandma."

I continued through the pictures, Mom sometimes reaching out her finger to move the picture around or point to a particular person.  Then I brought up the picture below.

I struggled to stifle my chuckles as she pointed first to me (center front) and very clearly said, "That's Grandma" and then pointed to my sister and also very clearly said, "That's Mom."  I love her!!

Standing up, falling down, edema here, edema there…

Life goes on, even for my 98 year old mom, but not without its ups and downs.  I just received the fourth call in less than a month telling me Mom was found on the floor in her room.  They haven’t seen her fall because it was always at night.  Last night they heard a sound and went in to check, finding her on her side near her recliner and wheelchair. As all the times before, they couldn’t find any injuries and she just wanted help getting up.  Thankfully, it seems she is still bouncing.

Falls during the day aren’t an issue at this point because she stays in her wheelchair or rocking chair in the living room.  She is watched over there and as I’ve said before, from her vantage point in either chair, she can watch everything that happens there including all the comings and goings.  If the activities don’t keep her interest, she just snoozes - by that I mean falling sound asleep.  :)

We aren’t sure what has her getting up at night.  They speculate that maybe she had to go to the bathroom but we don’t know because she has typically fallen by her bed.  Last night she was headed away from her bathroom given where she fell.  If the timing continues, I may contribute it to the cycle of the moon because the falls have occurred within a day or two of the full or new moon.

Floating edema is another interesting thing we’ve experienced with Mom.  Back in the 1970s she sprained her ankle while she and Daddy were camping.  That ankle always had a tendency to swell after that injury.  Fast forward to the last couple years and the ankle was swollen all the time.  Last year when she was diagnosed with a mass in her abdomen, both ankles and her feet were swollen.  The doctor thought it might be an indication that the presumed cancer was affecting her lymph nodes thereby causing fluid retention.

Interestingly, shortly after I bought her Foamtread slippers in May of this year, the swelling went away.  Then suddenly her left hand swelled up like a balloon!  The nurse at the facility initially thought it was cellulitis but we decided that wasn’t the case because the symptoms didn’t mesh.

Over the summer, her feet continued to be fine while her hand would swell and cause a bit of pain here and there, then suddenly, it would be almost normal.  Since the end of September, her hand and feet have been normal.  ??  When I visited the other day, her right ankle was swollen again although just a bit.  It’s one of the mysteries of Mom!

Last weekend a few of us were able to attend the Thanksgiving dinner provided by the facility. They provided a wonderful meal and I watched my sister very lovingly and patiently feed Mom the meal.  Mom can still feed herself but gets confused at times about how to go about it and I know my sister helps her eat when she visits in the late afternoon. Watching them at the Thanksgiving meal, I could tell that Mom enjoys the help and attention and it made me feel good to see the connection between the two of them.

I love the brief moments of clarity…

Mom’s routine continues.  Her aide awakens her in the morning and gets her dressed and then she has breakfast in the dining room with all of the residents.  After that, the majority of the twelve residents gather in the living room for the morning news, exercise and one or more activities.  Mom sits in her rocking chair there with a view of the entire area.  Although she doesn’t participate in the activities any longer, she holds her baby and watches everything happening around her as the morning progresses, snoozing here and there.  Twice each week her morning routine is disrupted briefly for a shower which makes her tired and she snoozes more.

Snoozing after her morning shower.

Lunch time arrives and typically she is ready to go in the dining room and eat.  The times she refuses lunch are very few and far between.  She may be 98 but she still eats well, just small portions.

There are more activities in the afternoon either in the living room or the TV area.  Her preferred seating in either area allows her a view of the comings and goings of the staff and visitors.  It’s very different from when she lived with my brother and later, me.  At our homes she spent all of her time looking out the windows, watching everything happening in the neighborhood.  Now her neighborhood is indoors and has enough activity to keep her interested.

Five o’clock comes and it’s time for dinner.  Again, Mom eats well.  My sister reports that sometimes she has to remind her how to start eating but she seems to take off well once started.

Evening is more time for sitting and watching until it’s time to get ready for bed.  Days flow one into another with the routine. 

While her days may be consistent, we never know exactly what we’ll find day to day.  Mom, for the most part, is past her combative stage, although it will pop up here and there, mainly at shower time.  She is definitely past her anxious stage – at least what seemed anxious for my very laid back Mom.  She typically smiles at everyone and I hear that she is pleasant.  I know when I arrive she is always pleasant.  She just doesn’t always know who I am.

I always carry my tablet and I use it to show Mom pictures of family.  I start with her “momma” and “daddy” because she can always recognize at least one of them, usually both.  I move on to pictures of Daddy or her and Daddy and mention that he is her husband and my daddy with each picture.  I tell her that she is my mommy and I am her daughter.  Her response varies each time but if she didn’t recognize me as “hers” when I arrived, she usually knows by the time I leave.

If things are going well, I’ll move on to pictures of me and my siblings and I go through the names.  I was at that point the other day when, in a brief moment of clarity, Mom looked at me and said, “You were named after my mom.”  Indeed I was!  My middle name comes from my grandma’s middle name!

She is seldom “here” but when she is, it pulls at my heartstrings.